Flashback – Stephen Colbert: Wisconsin wants you to primary Scott Walker

This post was originally published at the blue cheddar blog on January 21, 2012.

Dear Stephen Colbert,

The people have spoken and they continue to speak. In fact, you can’t make these people shut up. You got 43% of the votes in a very official and tiny poll conducted on the blue cheddar blog to pick the man or woman to primary Wisconsin’s governor in a recall election to be held this summer.

I know you probably already have a full and rewarding life given the fact that you star in a hit television show and you’ve been campaigning to become the fictitious President of the United States of South Carolina.

However, let me assure you, this whole running for governor of a state run by a TeaPublican mob thing really has some special perks:

* The opportunity to run circles around this dude

* The chance to get regular serenades from these singers.

* Entertainment from Madison’s indigenous flat cow dancers.

* Craft-brewed Wisconsin beer!
[Below you can see how we treat crummy Miller products]

* The company of my 2 cats.

*Cat pictured above may not be an actual cat encountered during your stay in Wisconsin.

I bring up the cats because you will have to live in Wisconsin for 10 days 28 days* to be able to run. My house is your house for this task, Stephen. I hope you’re not allergic.

There are a few more catches.

You’ll need to gather signatures for nomination papers — toughest part of the job – – but Stephen, we know how to do some signature gathering in Wisconsin.

Once in a while Walker’s closest supporters may stalk you,
spit on you and perhaps threaten to kill you,
but apparently recall volunteers here are badasses for democracy. They just got over a million signatures in 60 days to recall the Mini-Mubarek of the Midwest.

According to §8.10(3), Wis. Stats.) you will need not less than 2,000 nor more than 4,000 “electors” signatures” for a statewide office.

I’ll add some more details at the end of this post to make it easy for you to look into this but, I bet since you are almost entirely convinced by now, you’re wondering when you need to make some room in your calendar.

Sorry but I can’t tell you exactly what the due date is to file all of your election papers. According to G.A.B.’s site the deadline will be 5:00 p.m. on the 4th Tuesday before the declared election or primary date.

While we’re waiting for more news on dates, wile away the hours watching this live feed of staff counting our petitions. They are in an undisclosed location surrounded by razor wire and heavy security. It’s wild there. Last night I watched a woman apply chapstick LIVE right after she shuffled papers.

You may wonder why I’m asking you to do this. We both know that anybody in Wisconsin could primary Scott Walker. But nobody can bring on the Colbert style like you can.

Give it some thought, tell your richest Super PAC friends, but remember that this is not funny business I propose to you. I don’t want you to fill in “President of the United States of Wisconsin” on your forms. You need to shoot for “Governor of Wisconsin”.

At least for 28 days.

blue cheddar

You can go to the Stephen Colbert for Governor of Wisconsin facebook page and join the movement to turn Fitzwalkerstan into a Republic of the Nation of Colbert!

Or send him a tweet: @StephenAtHome

P.S.-More details:
First off, to run for Governor of Wisconsin, you can’t have been convicted of a felony unless you get a pardon for the conviction. (If necessary you will probably have to talk to some other state’s governor about a pardon.)

Here’s the list of all the papers to file according to my state’s recall manual:

–a registration statement (GAB-I,)

–nomination papers (GAB-168),

–a declaration of  candidacy (GAB-162) with the appropriate filing officer.

But do me a favor and double-check on all of this with the Wisconsin’s Government Accountability Board. We notice that all the rules are subject to change and on rather short notice.

*I said 10 days earlier but I’d looked at some old materials. The length of time is now 28 days after the 2011 voter ID bill.

Blogger note: I am taking it easy from blogging ’til around 03/12. 🙂 You’ll see flashbacks, “required readings”, and quotables while I’m doing other stuff.


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